Things Mama Never Said: The Love Edition

Some lessons you only learn by living. You make mistakes, live through pain, clean up your messes, or watch others go through stuff – and you take your lessons as you go.

I have often wished the women in our lives had shared with us more about how messy love and relationships are, not just the nice parts. That they had allowed us to learn from their failures, from their pain, from their disillusionment and their mistakes.

Most of what I share here is from the whispered conversations. The ones we dont have in public. The wisdoms we edit out at kitchen parties. It’s the sum of experiences from our grandmother’s and all the women that went before us.

1. Life happens quickly and only once. Do not lose yourself in love. You do not have to blend into him and live his life. Be yourself boldly and loudly. The one meant to love you will stay.

2. Love is a beautiful thing but only when you are valued equally by those you value. Do not ever drag yourself on your good bones going after a bad love.

3. Having a man’s baby will not make him love you. You cannot cook, sex, wash or pray your way into a man’s heart either. If you are loved, he cannot get enough of you. That’s how you know.

4. A true love will always feel right. If ever you find yourself in doubt stop right there and leave.

5. Sometimes there is dignity in leaving; people, places, things.

6. You are pure magic, woman. But it is not your job to fix a broken man. Watch who you bring into your life so you do not end up broken too from trying to heal him. You deserve a lover that is whole and can give you his all.

7. Women cannot have sex like men, loveless and mindless; they scar. Even men do not have sex like we think they do. They bear scars for every recklessness connection they make. Most are just too busy performing manhood to notice.

8. Do not be sexy. Just don’t be there!!! Many men have no respect for you. Stay away from potentially risky situations. Stay safe.

9. Take the time to know him. What his opinions and thoughts on things are, what he believes, how he handles money, debt and people among other things. It will change the rest of your life after you let him into it. Any man afraid of you getting to know each other like this has demons or skeletons you are not meant to find. He is not for you.

10. Marriage is good and worth having but it is not your sole purpose. Get a life. A career. Some reasonable measure of wealth. And achievements all your own. Make really good friends. Pursue your interests and dreams. Finding a soulmate is just one part of your life.

11. You do not owe anyone beauty. Do not live for the male gaze. Their approval is not the point of your existence.

12. It is not possible for a man that loves you to be violent towards you. Violence and love cannot coexist. Leave the first time. No explanations needed.

13. There is danger in loving somebody too much. Like addiction it will consume and destroy you. Withdrawal can and will be brutal. Serve your love with care.

14. While marriage is “till death do us part”, it is not the one that is meant to kill you.

15. Respect people. Every. Single. One. Respect your man. But most of all, demand the same for yourself.